The Way You See It

[Moonchime]

I am more than grateful to each and every one of you for taking the time to read and comment on my piece. Each review gives me something different to think about and value - thank you.

I love reading your reactions and getting a sense of how you view different words and lines. It really is the poem coming alive again and finding new meaning which s both thrilling and terrifying even though you're such a positive audience.

Iris I love the way you describe the poem as rising and falling with the waves - I find rhythm so powerful, yet it's devilishly difficult to get it the way you want sometimes, so if you felt some of it worked then I am so happy.

What I love about the sea is its hold of the sky
What I fear about the sea is the hole for its heart

Iris wrote :

Ooh, this is interesting, but I may need you to explain the second line for me. Do you mean that the sea is without heart/soul?

You mustn't apologise for being unsure - poetry is so often a puzzle and what's obvious to some is not to others.
Yes your interpretation is spot on - I mean the sea is without a heart - it has no feeling, no care, no love.

Lori I look forward to you writing on Love/Fear - I did find fear much easier in this circumstance. In fact when I think about it I have an uncommon number of books on the subject.
I love the description of your muse lying on the floor trying to get over a hangover - too funny!!!

Dee you have as usual interpreted brilliantly so much of what I was trying to express but now to the bits that you queried.

I wonder if it's necessary to use the word 'fingers' again in the second line, as it kind of breaks the rhythm and 'grip' is already to do with fingers. How about just "its grip around my ankle"? Now that I'm thinking about it, you've also used 'grip' in the verse above, - you might want to use a different word for one of them such as clench, perhaps?

It's interesting Dee that you have picked this out because despite reading the piece many times I failed to notice the repeat of grip in the two verses ( lines written at different times)- I think my lesson here is that I should always read it aloud - something I sometimes forget to do despite knowing how important it is.
I think you're right in that I should use something different for the jaw - clench is good but I think I prefer clamp because it's harsher and more sudden and you can't get out of it easily. Thanks for the pointer.
The use of fingers twice in the same verse was a deliberate repeat - I take your point though - it's clumsy with grip but I'm unsure about whether to keep the repeat and miss grip out or get rid of it. I'll try it both ways.

What I love about the sea is its dances to the moon
What I fear about the sea is its creeping up behind me

It made me smile that you had a similar line to the first - I was really curious to see how different/similar our thoughts would be so it was a joy to think we'd both thought about the moon.
I have to be honest in that I longed to include the moon and its influence on tides but it was very difficult to express as you know. The second line has undergone many changes and originally was "stealth" but then I thought of Kate Clanchy saying you shouldn't have abstract nouns so I changed it to "creeping up on me" which isn't so clunky as with "behind" - but I still really want/need to keep is the expression of the terror of tides that come without you noticing and sometimes from all directions as you realised. Maybe it should be the first part with "creeping" ? Oh... as I write something else is coming to mind! I'll work on it.

In my mind the "the tears run dry"referred to the tears of those who die slow and merciless deaths in which their cries go unheeded and their strength fails them - hence I used "the" rather than "its" but your interpretation is great and works brilliantly - it could refer to both. I like that. You have given me so much food for thought. Fantastic.

Thank you for all you comments. Much appreciated.

[Dee]

Lori I look forward to you writing on Love/Fear

Hear, hear! Seconding Mz Moonchime here. Come on Mz Lori. Do it!


It's interesting Dee that you have picked this out because despite reading the piece many times I failed to notice the repeat of grip in the two verses ( lines written at different times)- I think my lesson here is that I should always read it aloud - something I sometimes forget to do despite knowing how important it is.

Repeating words is so easily done (I do it all the time.) Especially if the poem is not written in one sitting. We read the lines so many times that we get almost overfamiliar with the text and then it becomes even harder to spot. You’re right, reading it out loud helps with this.

I think you're right in that I should use something different for the jaw - clench is good but I think I prefer clamp because it's harsher and more sudden and you can't get out of it easily. Thanks for the pointer.

Clamp is perfect!

The use of fingers twice in the same verse was a deliberate repeat - I take your point though - it's clumsy with grip but I'm unsure about whether to keep the repeat and miss grip out or get rid of it. I'll try it both ways.

I think ‘grip round the ankle’ works really well, it’s so shocking after the sensual first line.

I have to be honest in that I longed to include the moon and its influence on tides but it was very difficult to express as you know. The second line has undergone many changes and originally was "stealth" but then I thought of Kate Clanchy saying you shouldn't have abstract nouns so I changed it to "creeping up on me" which isn't so clunky as with "behind" - but I still really want/need to keep is the expression of the terror of tides that come without you noticing and sometimes from all directions as you realised. Maybe it should be the first part with "creeping" ? Oh... as I write something else is coming to mind! I'll work on it.

Exciting! Im sure you’ll find the right words. I think ‘stealth’ could be used here, it’s not that abstract in this context. But it’s not a word that rolls off the tongue, is it?
Looking forward to your new idea!

In my mind the "the tears run dry"referred to the tears of those who die slow and merciless deaths in which their cries go unheeded and their strength fails them - hence I used "the" rather than "its" but your interpretation is great and works brilliantly - it could refer to both. I like that. You have given me so much food for thought. Fantastic.

Fab! I like how that “tears run dry” works both ways.

It’s been such a pleasure to read and review your poem Mz K.

[Iris]

I thought I was going to find this easy, but far from it. I'm not particularly pleased with the outcome and a little frustrated that I don't seem to be able to improve it. I tried to keep to the remit in the book but couldn't always think of a concrete image, so I have lurched off-road in a few places . . . .

A View of Things

What I love about lemons is the way they contort faces
What I hate about flies is the way they tease

What I love about snow is its balletic moves
What I hate about Spain is that I’m not there

What I love about Bilbao is being swallowed up artfully
What I hate about the Twin Towers is the dust

Love these lines about Spain/Bilbao and the sad halt with the Twin Towers ending in dust

What I love about Emily is her wispy frame
What I hate about Ron is his absent mind

What I love about love is its clasped hands
What I hate about love is its shaky legs

Very artfully depicted with the all-in you and me against the world feel and then the contrary shaky foundation.

What I love about charm is how it tickles blushing cheeks
What I hate about resentment is its acidic taste

What I love about kindness is its wide open eyes
What I hate about anxiety is its undulating terrain

The opposing feelings in the above lines are palpable and have texture. Wide open eyes with kindness for me shows a deliberate vulnerability - giving without expecting a particular outcome. Really wonderful. Then anxiety with elusive etiology and no clear path for remedy...very depictive.

What I love about mindfulness is its warming hot chocolate
What I hate about betrayal is its smug raised hand

The first line is calming and regenerative. I love how a tangible thing can represent so much emotional comfort! I'm interested in the second line with the smug raised hand. I will read above and see if you've elaborated. Is the hand of betrayal a "stopper" so to speak? Purposeful degradation of a relationship - cavalier admission without remorse? Abuse? All of the above?

What I love about music is that it smothers all my loves and hates

Ha! So very true! Fun read with wonderful images and concepts Mz. Iris. You always weave so much into each line. I'm a fan...oh, yes I am!

Thank you so much, Mz Lori, for taking the time and such care reviewing my work. It's so validating!

You are spot on with kindness' wide open eyes and deliberate vulnerability. Personally, I am working on reducing my expectation of others. Or maybe I am simply trying to love more openly? Or is that the same thing?

The raised hand of betrayal . . . I love all the possibilities you throw at this and, truly, it could be any of them. But, my intention was to portray how the betrayer can be rather smug and, as you say, showing little remorse.

I so appreciate your thoughts, Mz Lori, they make me think more deeply and carefully.

[Dee]

This has been nagging at me for a while, and the love-hate prompt has given me the final push. But I broke away from the structural restraints, as you’ll see.

COMPLICATED

i hated you first
gate-crashing our party
you leaped onto the stage
silenced the music
with a contemptuous wave
of your hand

rendered me helpless
you were hurting people
and made me watch -
dispensing fear
like a vending machine
spewed from hell

you curtailed my freedom
took the things i loved
stripped my confidence
kept me hidden away
ridiculed all what
i held dear

oh i hated you then
more than anything
but as you turned your back
and left me on my knees
my trembling fingers dug
into the earth

day by day
i learned to grow
under your dark shadow
as the songs whispered in the willow
scribbled poems
in my heart

i got bolder
dancing alone
as i listened to the wind
my breath has freed me from
your shackles and whilst i
still hate you

i am also grateful
for the unexpected gifts
you weren’t meant to give me
the paths you led me on
whilst conniving to
block my way

our relationship's been
rather complicated -
but i feel empowered now
and at the end of the day
you’re nothing but
a virus

~ AP

[Iris]

This has been nagging at me for a while, and the love-hate prompt has given me the final push. But I broke away from the structural restraints, as you’ll see.

COMPLICATED

i hated you first
gate-crashing our party
you leaped onto the stage
silenced the music
with a contemptuous wave
of your hand

rendered me helpless
you were hurting people
and made me watch -
dispensing fear
like a vending machine
spewed from hell

you curtailed my freedom
took the things i loved
stripped my confidence
kept me hidden away
ridiculed all what
i held dear

oh i hated you then
more than anything
but as you turned your back
and left me on my knees
my trembling fingers dug
into the earth

day by day
i learned to grow
under your dark shadow
as the songs whispered in the willow
scribbled poems
in my heart

i got bolder
dancing alone
as i listened to the wind
my breath has freed me from
your shackles and whilst i
still hate you

i am also grateful
for the unexpected gifts
you weren’t meant to give me
the paths you led me on
whilst conniving to
block my way

our relationship’s been
rather complicated -
but i feel empowered now
and at the end of the day
you’re nothing but
a virus

~ AP

Wow! This is sheer brilliance, Mz Dee. As I started reading, I wondered if this could be about Covid . . . but I thought I was giving too much power to the impact of the dreaded virus. Clearly not

That you found the strength of spirit to write this rousing piece is testament to a heart lined with forgiveness. The anger and bitterness flood out at first with such carefully chosen phrases/words which really pack a punch.

My favourite lines . . .

i learned to grow
under your dark shadow
as the songs whispered in the willow
scribbled poems in my heart

So laden with soft beauty - wonderful! That gentle turning from pain to acceptance before some sort of reconciliation.

In my ignorance of poetic techniques, could you explain why the use of the lower case "i"? Is it to give the reader the sense that you were insignificant or overpowered by the virus? Or am I barking up the wrong tree?

Such a poignant read, Mz Dee, which touched my soul. I hope there was some catharsis for you in the writing. Still lots to ponder in here in every re-read.

Thank you so much for sharing

[Dee]

In my ignorance of poetic techniques, could you explain why the use of the lower case "i"? Is it to give the reader the sense that you were insignificant or overpowered by the virus? Or am I barking up the wrong tree?

Thank you for the lovely review above, Mz H. Glad you thought it was worthy.

Using only lower case, including for “i”, is something I often do in my poems. I just love the look and feel of it, the lack of punctuation liberating. As not a native speaker, i actually always felt it odd that I should be spelled with a capital letter!

I tried to make the poem somewhat ambiguous, whether it’s about an abusive relationship or the virus - but I think I’ve given the game away pretty early on as Will knew it straight away too that it was about the virus, oh well. I might edit it further!

Thank you so much for reviewing and kind words.

Not sure about forgiveness yet. Well, the virus does what a virus does, but the coverup operation at the beginning in China … well I’m not sure that can ever be forgiven.

[Lori]

This has been nagging at me for a while, and the love-hate prompt has given me the final push. But I broke away from the structural restraints, as you’ll see.

What a gift to find this here. I snuggled into a deep chair and got ready for the fine ride.

COMPLICATED

i hated you first
gate-crashing our party
you leaped onto the stage
silenced the music
with a contemptuous wave
of your hand

There is such strong imagery here - something strange and brimming with certitude and power "leaping" forward and boldly taking. "Silencing the music" was both literal and figurative for me. Such a grave sin and all-encompassing in breadth. Then, "a contemptuous wave" revealed it was all so very easy and thoughtless. So much revealed in these small group of words.

rendered me helpless
you were hurting people
and made me watch -
dispensing fear
like a vending machine
spewed from hell

This. Wow. "you were hurting people and made me watch" There is no head-in-the-sand escape. Having no choice but to watch is heart wrenching. Though personified, its obvious to me this entity is beyond human.

you curtailed my freedom
took the things i loved
stripped my confidence
kept me hidden away
ridiculed all what
i held dear

You nearly depict a brutal kidnapping and I think put into words the devastation a lot of people suffered.

oh i hated you then
more than anything
but as you turned your back
and left me on my knees
my trembling fingers dug
into the earth

I love the image the last line rendered of resourcefulness and unstoppable hope.

day by day
i learned to grow
under your dark shadow
as the songs whispered in the willow
scribbled poems
in my heart

Really? Are you kidding me? I'm in love with this section...deeply. So poetic and timeless.

i got bolder
dancing alone
as i listened to the wind
my breath has freed me from
your shackles and whilst i
still hate you

i am also grateful
for the unexpected gifts
you weren’t meant to give me
the paths you led me on
whilst conniving to
block my way

Ah me. This barren nearly volcanic ground bore some tender green sprouts. "unexpected gifts you weren't meant to give me" depicts for me the rather shocking reality that extremely hard things bear deep fruit. Are these fruits worth the price? That can be debated!

our relationship’s been
rather complicated -
but i feel empowered now
and at the end of the day
you’re nothing but
a virus

I like this wrap-up and had someone not known of the pandemic it still would be an apt description of any unnamed vile "perpetrator" and the rising above. Really wonderful, PIC!

~ AP

[Dee]

Sharing poetry is simply amazing, when you learn how your words are cherished in soft welcoming hearts. Thank you, Mz S. It means the world to me you snuggled into a deep chair to read this. And sharing your thoughts as you were travelling with me.

You've raised a very interesting question:

Ah me. This barren nearly volcanic ground bore some tender green sprouts. "unexpected gifts you weren't meant to give me" depicts for me the rather shocking reality that extremely hard things bear deep fruit. Are these fruits worth the price? That can be debated!

It's a complicated question because in this case we had no choice but "buy", and we had to pay the price that was set by circumstances totally beyond our control. A mutating virus, scientists and governments dictating how our lives should be led for just about two years now. We had no choice but accept the new limitations of our possibilities. But that's the thing about possibilities. Once some doors close, there are always other ones to open. Unless the human spirit is damaged beyond repair, it always finds another door to open. It's programmed that way.

Were we given the choice to "buy" the experience of the past two years, pay the price we know it has cost us, for what we have gained, would we?

And that's another complicated question. Were we to consider only our own lives in isolation? Extend to our families? Friends? Were we to consider all of humanity? There are so many different personal experiences of the past two years. Some people were charged a very high price. Others got a bargain. And of course we have no way of knowing where we would be now had our lives not been dictated by a virus for the past two years.

But we are where we are now. Paid the price and got a mixed bag of goods, like we do in life, most of the time. So I guess, all we can do is to cherish the good parts and let the rest go.

Too early to say what the lasting impact of the pandemic will be on humanity. I don't have high hopes there.

[Iris]

Thank you for the lovely review above, Mz H. Glad you thought it was worthy.

Using only lower case, including for “i”, is something I often do in my poems. I just love the look and feel of it, the lack of punctuation liberating. As not a native speaker, i actually always felt it odd that I should be spelled with a capital letter!

Do you know, I have never considered how it is quite odd to use an upper case for "I". Ever. It is pretty weird considering we are not like the Germans in using caps. to begin every noun (I think! ). Thanks for getting my little grey cells questioning this. I must investigate how it started.

I tried to make the poem somewhat ambiguous, whether it’s about an abusive relationship or the virus - but I think I’ve given the game away pretty early on as Will knew it straight away too that it was about the virus, oh well. I might edit it further!

I think it would be ambiguous . . . to those who didn't witness the enormous struggle you faced and how traumatised you were by the virus' impact, particularly upon those who are so dear to you. For those of us who saw the crippling of such a strong, Tigger-like spirit, there could be no doubt that Covid was the perpetrator.


Not sure about forgiveness yet. Well, the virus does what a virus does, but the coverup operation at the beginning in China … well I’m not sure that can ever be forgiven.
[/quote]
Forgiving humans is the hardest, especially when it has rocked the whole world and continues to do so. We will recover and adapt, but for some the damage feels irreparable.

[Iris]

You've raised a very interesting question:

Ah me. This barren nearly volcanic ground bore some tender green sprouts. "unexpected gifts you weren't meant to give me" depicts for me the rather shocking reality that extremely hard things bear deep fruit. Are these fruits worth the price? That can be debated!

It's a complicated question because in this case we had no choice but "buy", and we had to pay the price that was set by circumstances totally beyond our control. A mutating virus, scientists and governments dictating how our lives should be led for just about two years now. We had no choice but accept the new limitations of our possibilities. But that's the thing about possibilities. Once some doors close, there are always other ones to open. Unless the human spirit is damaged beyond repair, it always finds another door to open. It's programmed that way.

Were we given the choice to "buy" the experience of the past two years, pay the price we know it has cost us, for what we have gained, would we?

Ooh, that's a biggy!

And that's another complicated question. Were we to consider only our own lives in isolation? Extend to our families? Friends? Were we to consider all of humanity? There are so many different personal experiences of the past two years. Some people were charged a very high price. Others got a bargain. And of course we have no way of knowing where we would be now had our lives not been dictated by a virus for the past two years.

You hit the nail on the head, of course. Some could be very selfish about this . . . maybe they've been paid for not going to work, re-connected with their family unit, tuned into nature, exercised more, been less frenetic, stayed well, not been affected by loss etc etc. On the flip side, there are the well-documented horrors that induce belly-sobs. I don't think any of us could allow our thoughts to rise above those atrocities.

But we are where we are now. Paid the price and got a mixed bag of goods, like we do in life, most of the time. So I guess, all we can do is to cherish the good parts and let the rest go.

I do feel the overwhelming benefit, from a personal perspective, is the stark realisation of the preciousness of friendships and communities.

Too early to say what the lasting impact of the pandemic will be on humanity. I don't have high hopes there.
[/quote]

For me, the saddest thing is how the view of the pandemic, the attitudes to the vaccinations, the diversity of rules internationally have caused huge rifts between families, friends, communities and nations. Lots of quelling of anger and soothing of high emotions needs to be actioned before the world can heal.

[Moonchime]

After waiting for 2 weeks to read this it was one of the things that lit up my thoughts at coming home.
It was difficult to be patient - I was very short of time while away ( I don't know why exactly - too much getting from one place to another) and I did think of squeezing in a reading but then I decided I'd rather sit in peace to read and contemplate so I made myself wait. Difficult.
It was worth the wait.

This poem feels full of intense emotions that take the reader on a journey - an exploration of despair and a rising from the ashes!!
Like others it only took me a moment to realise what you were writing about.

COMPLICATED
rendered me helpless
you were hurting people
and made me watch -
dispensing fear
like a vending machine
spewed from hell

I particularly liked the use of spewed here - the aggression of the word and how it suggests a spitting out - a powerful image.

One of my favourite parts though is the second part of this verse:

oh i hated you then
more than anything
but as you turned your back
and left me on my knees
my trembling fingers dug
into the earth

I found those lines conjured up such a visual image that spoke so powerfully of the human desire to fight for survival - being on your knees and clawing at the earth - showing a desperate, savage determination to somehow come through this dark bleakness that has swept across your life, destroying all you valued and thought you knew from beneath your feet.

day by day
i learned to grow
under your dark shadow
as the songs whispered in the willow
scribbled poems
in my heart

I love the alliteration of "whispered in the willow" because you can hear the sound in the words; it is a lovely sensual line which flows so gently into the positivity that is emerging. New beginnings beneath the shadows.
Despite everything you are like a chrysalis - out of your forlorn despair comes new hope and freedom - undeveloped parts of you grow and blossom. The next verse conjures up a sense of liberation and discovery; an ability to grow beyond the pain that held you; a breaking out. Awakening.

[/i]



i got bolder
dancing alone
as i listened to the wind
my breath has freed me from
your shackles and whilst i
still hate you

This verse filled my mind with a picture of you dancing free and unfettered in the wind - so lovely.

our relationship's been
rather complicated -
but i feel empowered now
and at the end of the day
you’re nothing but
a virus

~ AP

The last verse set me thinking - your experience is indeed complicated and you sound strengthened because of it ,"empowered," I love that this resilience has shone through, because although this virus may be small your poem is given over to the power of this tiny entity, and at the end of the day it has not been a totally negative experience and you are able to stand strong.

Naming this force as a virus reveals all - which may be what you really want, but you could also leave it to the reader to decide.
For some the virus might be their first thought - for others much of what you have expressed might apply to other destructive forces/changes in life and there is great comfort in recognising the familiarity of struggle and pain in the human condition and great joy in feeling frailty overcoming the odds with the strength of David against Goliath. Either way it is an emotional ride encouraging connection in the experience of suffering and struggle.

Thank you Dee for this wonderful journey through the dark night of the soul to hope and renewal. Love it.

[Dee]

After waiting for 2 weeks to read this it was one of the things that lit up my thoughts at coming home.

What a joy it is to read such a lovely compliment and then a wonderful review... Thank you so much Mz K.

It seems I've completely failed on delivering any ambiguity regarding the subject of the poem... ... perhaps in ten years time it will be less obvious! Or I'd need to seriously edit my writing. That would be great if it wasn't obvious, and the virus at the end could also be considered an insult, not just stating the obvious. I'll think about options. It was one of those poems that rolled out relatively effortlessly, and these are the ones we are more reluctant to take into the operating theatre for cosmetic surgery.

However, despite it being a see-trough virus poem, you liked it, and that makes me so happy.


oh i hated you then
more than anything
but as you turned your back
and left me on my knees
my trembling fingers dug
into the earth

I found those lines conjured up such a visual image that spoke so powerfully of the human desire to fight for survival - being on your knees and clawing at the earth - showing a desperate, savage determination to somehow come through this dark bleakness that has swept across your life, destroying all you valued and thought you knew from beneath your feet.


Thank you for this analysis of the metaphor. I wanted to convey this, but you might find it interesting that the words are actually very literal. I turned to land art for comfort, and as I did a lot of it in the garden under the willow tree, or on our walks, the process starts by clearing and smoothing earth to create the space for it. Removing sticks and stones, raking the soil through with fingers. So that image was in my mind when I wrote the line. Also generally connecting to nature, to what's real, what was actually happening all around me, rather than lamenting what was NOT. And I also liked the what you've very precisely identified: the savageness of the image. Savage is such a brilliant word and I love its layers.

undeveloped parts of you grow and blossom

I think this was key to the whole lockdown experience for so many of us, wasn't it?

Naming this force as a virus reveals all - which may be what you really want, but you could also leave it to the reader to decide.
For some the virus might be their first thought - for others much of what you have expressed might apply to other destructive forces/changes in life and there is great comfort in recognising the familiarity of struggle and pain in the human condition and great joy in feeling frailty overcoming the odds with the strength of David against Goliath. Either way it is an emotional ride encouraging connection in the experience of suffering and struggle.

Thank you for this, Kathy, and I agree with you. If I had managed to keep the ambiguity going all the way through to the end of the poem when the word 'virus' occurs, then it could have worked. But as I have obviously failed in that, and this time I feel very precious about not wanting to rewrite the entire poem, I think the key to the solution is exactly what you've identified: change only the last two lines, and omit naming the beast altogether. I'll think about an alternative ending. Thank you.