Playing with Poetry

[Moonchime]

[Moonchime]

Ok me playing fast and loose with Keats and Terminals.

Sunrise on Helvellyn


Oh, I would be as distant as thou art
and stand aloft above great night and day,
while mist’s soft-fallen mask do mountains part
and tender-taken breath, wind blows away.
In sacred task, hushed clouds unveil your might,
while sun’s ripening breast does softly swell,
in sweet unrest it dissipates the night.
You reign, Still Eremite, unchangeable
as death on human shores, your face as gold
next moors’ unearthly light, but heart corpse cold.
And yet it’s in thy gaze I wish to lie,
and yet it’s in thy gaze that I would die.

KK

[Lori]

Ok me playing fast and loose with Keats and Terminals.

Sunrise on Helvellyn


Oh, I would be as distant as thou art
and stand aloft above great night and day,
while mist’s soft-fallen mask do mountains part
and tender-taken breath, wind blows away.
In sacred task, hushed clouds unveil your might,
while sun’s ripening breast does softly swell,
in sweet unrest it dissipates the night.
You reign, Still Eremite, unchangeable
as death on human shores, your face as gold
next moors’ unearthly light, but heart corpse cold.
And yet it’s in thy gaze I wish to lie,
and yet it’s in thy gaze that I would die.

KK

Mz. K ~ this is incredibly beautiful and so solid from a crafting standpoint as well. Your writing ushers the reader to so many places that sometimes it is easy to forget there is a methodology at its root and you are so resourcefully meeting a challenge. It seems effortless. The personification of such a sight you've obviously enjoyed in person unfolds before us grand and looming...larger than us. Constant (as death on human shores) and giving, yet in the end with a "heart corpse cold". The last two lines really drive home this awe-inspiring place is literally larger than life.

I will admit, this makes me glad I did not even attempt Keats and Terminals. I will leave it to you professionals! This was a treat, my friend. Really a masterpiece. When are you publishing again? Hmm?

[Dee]

Ok me playing fast and loose with Keats and Terminals.

Sunrise on Helvellyn


Oh, I would be as distant as thou art
and stand aloft above great night and day,
while mist’s soft-fallen mask do mountains part
and tender-taken breath, wind blows away.
In sacred task, hushed clouds unveil your might,
while sun’s ripening breast does softly swell,
in sweet unrest it dissipates the night.
You reign, Still Eremite, unchangeable
as death on human shores, your face as gold
next moors’ unearthly light, but heart corpse cold.
And yet it’s in thy gaze I wish to lie,
and yet it’s in thy gaze that I would die.

KK

Wow. This, Mz K? From an exercise? A sheer word challenge? That’s just incredible.

Such a treat.

Funny how I’d read your Sunrise the same day as Mz Iris’s - she should post her here too, perhaps?

You’ve taken me to those mountains with your words and allowed me to experience the beauty and the bittersweet sense of mortality you’ve embraced basking in this unforgettable sight.

It’s a very atmospheric description of beauty: not a warm welcoming one, but almost a divine apparition that doesn’t invite or welcome - it just reveals itself to the initiated, the receptive. Makes the Poet accept mortality humbly and gracefully in lieu of feeling graced by allowing the such beauty unfold infront of her. It’s such a powerful revelation - and so beautifully recreated with words. Mz S has praised you for the craftsmanship - I can only stand with her in awe.

There are some fantastic lines in here that have given me a lot pleasure, like raspberry fudge melting on the tongue.

while mist’s soft-fallen mask do mountains part

Such a lovely way to describe that image when you only get to see the peaks.

tender-taken breath

Love this - beautiful. And such a soft rhythm to the syllables.

In sacred task, hushed clouds unveil your might,
while sun’s ripening breast does softly swell

Again, brilliant. I’m not sure I can ever forget that image now at sunrise, a strong motherly presence. I also love the description of the revelation of the mountain - and again the touch of divine here.

The expression human shores is genius.

I’m so taken by this description here of the stunning beauty of the scene but again, not a warm, intimate beauty, but a distant somewhat divisive and unattainable beauty: an understanding and an awe of nature and god, whilst being reminded of mortality. But it’s not an uncomfortable or any way unsettling experience. It comes with unconditional submission.

And yet it’s in thy gaze I wish to lie,
and yet it’s in thy gaze that I would die.

Such a powerful and moving declaration - an oath taken touched by divine inspiration. The repetition here, with the soft crescendo of the second line is solemn and ever so heartening. The strength of the Poet is spellbinding.

An exercise, eh? Well, move over Mr Keats.

Kathy, you can call this poem truly yours. Fabulous writing.

[Moonchime]

I will admit, this makes me glad I did not even attempt Keats and Terminals. I will leave it to you professionals!

I fancy Mz Lori that your not attempting Keats and Terminals is our loss but I do really appreciate your warm comments and always feel you have found and valued the essence of my meaning.
I, as you might have realised, didn't obey the correct rules of putting the words at the end of the lines, so maybe I should have been disqualified.
I have tried subsequently but it doesn't read the same.

Mountains always fill me with awe and Keats' sense of admiration seemed to be fitting for what I feel for them, they are so grand and beautiful yet so distant and untouched by human trials and tribulations - a bit like his star but not!!!

I'm still hoping you will have a bash one day.

Thank you again for your kind words. They are so appreciated.

[Moonchime]

It was so Joyful to read your review and discover all of the things that I intended so beautifully described in your interpretation. I can think of nothing better than that wonderful sense of validation that comes with the sense of knowing that what you have felt and wished to express has taken flight and found a resting place.

There is, however, a cloud on my horizon. I did play fast and loose with Mr. Keats and I fear I must give him more credit than is apparent. Some phrases, "soft-fallen mask" "Tender-taken breath" and "human shores" are his phrases - used very differently, but still his - unfortunately.
I played around with changing the breath, but it wasn't as good - maybe I should still do that? It won't be as touching but it will hold the same sentiment - or maybe I should just post beneath the title - with gratitude to Mr. Keats?

I stand with my head bowed and reduced to its normal size.

However - leaving Keats aside for a moment - your review is absolutely brilliant - you have described my view/feelings on the mountain perfectly:

I’m so taken by this description here of the stunning beauty of the scene but again, not a warm, intimate beauty, but a distant somewhat divisive and unattainable beauty: an understanding and an awe of nature and god, whilst being reminded of mortality. But it’s not an uncomfortable or any way unsettling experience. It comes with unconditional submission.

That's exactly what I feel about the scene - the power and might with the breath-taking beauty, but at the same time cold and distant. The way it is. "Unconditional submission" is exactly right. I feel here there is such a symbiotic relationship between writer and reader, because in reading your explanation I am enriched and humbled and reach a deeper understanding. Thank you so very much.

Funny how I’d read your Sunrise the same day as Mz Iris’s - she should post her here too, perhaps?

Yes I definitely think she should!!!

[Dee]

Thanks for the lovely review of my lovely review, Mz K. And so it goes on, our Mutual Admiration Society.

There is, however, a cloud on my horizon. I did play fast and loose with Mr. Keats and I fear I must give him more credit than is apparent. Some phrases, "soft-fallen mask" "Tender-taken breath" and "human shores" are his phrases - used very differently, but still his - unfortunately.

This is too funny. I really had no recollection of the original poem, besides the set of final words! I couldn’t remember these expressions, despite several close readings of the poem. I just didn’t like the poem very much, and I still don’t. So in that context these expressions didn’t ignite anything in me. However, placing them in the context of your poem, these words have really come alive and shone beautifully.

Should you change them? Only if you want to. You could certainly play around with it some more to make it completely your own. Or you could just leave it as it is, a fabulous result of a fun exercise.

[Moonchime]

Thank you Mz Dee - this kept me awake on Sunday night so I am relieved by your response, which perhaps I might have anticipated, but one's own judgement is so often much harsher than that of others.

I like it as it is, but I will produce a slightly altered version for the "fun" of it as I woke on Sunday morning before sunrise and searched my brain for certain words. That and "body percussion" have kept me awake or sent me to sleep.

[Moonchime]

Time to move on to the news poem perhaps?

[Dee]

Time to move on to the news poem perhaps?

Do it!!!

[Dee]

Thank you Mz Dee - this kept me awake on Sunday night so I am relieved by your response, which perhaps I might have anticipated, but one's own judgement is so often much harsher than that of others.

I like it as it is, but I will produce a slightly altered version for the "fun" of it as I woke on Sunday morning before sunrise and searched my brain for certain words.

As long as this still remains fun and playing and a joyful challenge!

Kind of interesting challenge, if you think about it. The task has given you a frame work, a scaffolding - you’ve added your own ideas what to build, and rearranged some of the old bricks and discarded some, - as well as introduced a whole new batch!

Now you might wonder if you could replace even more of the original bricks until it feels like the remaining ones could well just be there randomly. As you’ve placed the end-of-line words randomly to begin with, I think you can really play freely with this poem now.

That and "body percussion" have kept me awake or sent me to sleep.

Well, it’s good to have a few challenges going on at the same time, no? Friends that keep you busy?

[Iris]

Ok me playing fast and loose with Keats and Terminals.

Sunrise on Helvellyn


Oh, I would be as distant as thou art
and stand aloft above great night and day,
while mist’s soft-fallen mask do mountains part
and tender-taken breath, wind blows away.
In sacred task, hushed clouds unveil your might,
while sun’s ripening breast does softly swell,
in sweet unrest it dissipates the night.
You reign, Still Eremite, unchangeable
as death on human shores, your face as gold
next moors’ unearthly light, but heart corpse cold.
And yet it’s in thy gaze I wish to lie,
and yet it’s in thy gaze that I would die.

KK

Oh my giddy aunt! I feel I am fraternising with the greatest and the best! Mz K, this is simply incredible! I'm not sure I even want to try to pull it apart as, for me, the beauty is in the whole undulating ebb and flow of the words, phrases and imagery. You have truly painted a vibrant, beautiful picture in words. It is graceful, awe-inspiring, heart-warming and a little scary in terms of the mountain's might and splendour.

If I had to pick out something of the words that hit me (all of them, really!) then I'd go for the last two lines. So very clever! So very beautiful and thought-provoking.
Beauty alongside danger.

Thank you so much for sharing!